Join the Safety Team!!

This made me laugh, check this out…from the retards on our “safety team” at work. I’m certain they made that title up. I can finally put my mind at ease, knowing that there's a committee sitting around thinking of ways to make people safer in our hazardous, climate-controlled office environment. Our company's "Safety Committee" is about as useful as a "Rwandan Obesity Clinic", a "Chinese Democratic Party", or a Planned Parenthood office in Salt Lake City .

“It’s the safety committee! Saving office drones from carpal tunnel syndrome! Now hosting coffee-pouring classes!”

This email was a real gem, thank you safety team! I would never have guessed that I should walk carefully when the ground is covered in water. Why, I wouldnt even have noticed that it was pissing rain this morning if you hadn't told me! What really cracks me up is that this email would only be read AFTER someone had walked through the lobby and elevator coming in to work. What if I had broken my neck in the lobby because I hadn’t yet received this vital information!?!?!

End of Rant

Just words

Why do I love, and why is beauty so powerful? I think I understand that each and every instance of beauty is a promise..an example, of a life that can end in balance, with symmetry, purpose, and hope - even without explanation. Beauty has no explanation, but it's product is love.
The beauty that I see is absolute, and needn't explained or interpreted, just seized; The light on her hair, her entire body, part by part, in the light, in the dark; her smile, the way she moves, the coincidence of colors in her dress and her eyes; Her fingers as they rest in my hand, the pace of her breathing, the sweetness of her scent, the taste of her mouth.
Such things - and I have only brushed the surface - put to shame any poor words I can use to describe them.

Its all true, I swear...

After 15 minutes of ineffectual pounding of my skull against the computer monitor, I saw a brilliant flash of white and realized that I had somehow transcended space-time and entered an alternate dimension. Although a large v-shaped object obscured some of my vision, I was able to see a landscape transformed, teeming with vibrant colors and striking patterns I hadnt previously noticed. It appeared that all objects in my tangible reality had been multiplied by 2! I now had 4 hands, there were now 2 cups of coffee, and 2 computer monitors on my desk. I fumbled awkwardly with my now two wallets, and discovered that the money within had doubled! Oh joyous day! The possibilities exploded in my consciousness as I realized I now had 2 girlfriends, drove 2 cars, and had 2 domiciles to lay my 2 heads. The excitement began to mount as I went to the bathroom to wash the tears of joy and wonder from my eyes.
It was there in front of the mirror that I realized I was cross-eyed, and I wept.

And now, for something new and interesting...

I woke up, and realized that my nose was filled with boogers. I pulled back the covers, put my feet on the floor, and walked over to my desk. I picked up the tissue paper, put the kleenex to my nose, and blew hard. I looked at the yield and admired the multicolored, gentle brown and yellow hues of my nostril export.

Natural Selection?

Back in the good old days, the weak, slow and stupid would be eaten by lions, leaving the quick and the smart to live on and breed quick and smart babies. But these days, any moron can wheel themselves around a Wal-mart on an electric scooter, buying Hot Pockets with food stamps while talking on their prepaid cellphones, then going home to have 15 other fat, stupid babies. This isn't evolution, It's de-evolution. And we have technology to thank for it.A baby born today will usually live a long and healthy life, which in turn works against the evolutionary tool of natural selection.Basically, living in this technologically-advanced era reduces the influence of mutation, random change and natural selection, the three major forces of evolution. 300 years ago, there were few diabetics. Why? Because everyone who had abnormally high or low levels of glucose would keel over and die of renal failure at the tender age of 25. Nowadays, slap an insulin pump on them and they're good to go for another 50 years. That means it's no longer survival of the fittest, instead just survival of everyone. Which means we won't be seeing as many changes in the species as we've seen in the last few millennia. Indeed, we may have hit a plateau, where everyone gets to add their seeds to the gene pool no matter how slow, sickly, or stupid they may be.
It's a brave new world.

Ultimate Farting Preacher

You must watch this all the way through.

Stargazing

I'm free, and her head is resting on my chest. The alcohol is burning comfortably in me as we lay in the sleeping bag and the stars wheel overhead. We breathe the cool air that falls like a river from the mountains, and she kisses me. I smile in admiration of the stars burning in the sky, and because though it's only been a short while, connections are forming with a sweet rapidity. Time is both compressed and extended, the air flowing by laden with messages that I dont understand. As they break in their millions like whitecaps on the sea, they shatter the peace of the night and restore it in a rhythm that ebbs and flows and sends me to a beautiful place.

Silence is golden

Well, its been awhile. Ive had ideas for several fantastic (if I do say so myself) blog postings, but I restrained myself...there are young and innocent minds I dont wish to pollute. Furthermore, my views are rather un-religious and probably downright blasphemous. Not wishing to alienate or offend any of my dear family, lacking any 'safe' blogging material, and refusing to post inane tidbits about my mind-numbingly boring day-to-day activities, I remain silent.

Mental Regurgitation

I desire her intensely. I often fixate on one of her physical attributes while she is distracted, such as the curves of her hair as it sweeps down her shoulder, or the microscopic geography of her lips. She is exquisite, and I fear that, blinded by everything else, I'm drawn to her by weakness, that my passion for her is incomplete.
When we talk, I often forget what I'm saying and grow dizzy with many variations of desire - some base, some ordinary, and some ethereal. Sometimes we tease, and sometimes we are earnest. But always, after our contention has spawned cool fire, we begin to kiss.
But she is gone.
In her absence, I'm drawn to many things that, in being beautiful, are her allies. The way the ocean bursts into brilliant flame when the sun assaults the horizon, a dark waving branch with waxen leaves, a sight of the stars through a cut in the trees, a girl throwing back her hair to the irresistible rhythm of a song. A concordance of colors compressed into a torchlit line of sight. The rain like ten thousand bb's hammering on beaten copper. I see the lightning, I feel my chest vibrate with each concussion, the bolts lashing out from hidden places as if they are calling me to things so stunning and unexpected that I cannot begin to imagine them.
I will see, touch, taste, and feel everything.

Courtesy of TheOnion.com

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After decades of coddling young children, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new "Nothing But Tears" shampoo this week, an aggressive bath-time product the company says will help to prepare meek and fragile newborns for the real world.
A radical departure for the health goods manufacturer, the new shampoo features an all-alcohol-based formula, has never once been approved by leading dermatologists, and is as gentle on a baby's skin as "having to grow up and fend for your goddamn self."
"We at Johnson & Johnson have been making bath time a safe and soothing experience for far too long," company CEO William C. Weldon said. "Years of pampering have left our newborns helpless, feeble, and ill-equipped for the arduous road ahead."
"It's time our children got the wake-up call that's been coming to them," Weldon continued. "It's time they cried their precious little eyes out."
The result of five years of intensive research and market testing, the company's "Nothing But Tears" shampoo contains only the most abrasive of natural ingredients and is nearly impossible to rinse from a baby's screaming face. According to directions printed on the label, the bath-time product is best used with scalding hot water for optimal toughening-up of newborns.
Available in an easy-to-find-and-open bottle, the new shampoo is also guaranteed to give children a "healthy dose of reality."
"You'll notice a difference after just one use," said Michelle Baker, head of new product development. "Whether it's your newborn's more hardened appearance, the way he now approaches people with guarded skepticism, or just that look on his face that says, 'Oh wait, maybe life isn't all hugs and kisses and rainbows. Maybe I need to get my fucking act together.'"
Added Baker, "Johnson & Johnson will kick your baby's ass into gear."
A publicity campaign for the tear-inducing shampoo has already begun, with Johnson & Johnson debuting a series of television ads to push the baby-care product. In one of the minute-long spots, scheduled to air later this week, a mother cradles her crying newborn in her arms. As time passes, the weeping infant grows increasingly older, until the now elderly woman struggles to hold up her 48-year-old, 230-pound son. A voiceover announcer asks viewers, "Worried your child will never toughen up? At Johnson & Johnson, we can help."
After rigorous product testing at the company's research headquarters in New Jersey, the new "Nothing But Tears" shampoo was found to give newborns up to three times greater resilience than the leading competitor, as well as a stronger grasp on the crushing disappointment that is life. In addition, when combined with Johnson & Johnson's new line of bleach-based conditioners, the shampoo resulted in noticeably thicker skin after only six uses.
In recent years, a growing number of parents have begun looking for ways to raise more adequately jaded toddlers, and Johnson & Johnson is not the first company to respond to the rising demand. In 2003, Fisher-Price unveiled a new adventure play set containing 85 easy-to-choke-on pieces, and in 2006, the Walt Disney Company introduced an interactive DVD entitled Baby's First Brush With A Cruel And Unforgiving World.
Whether or not Johnson & Johnson's new move will ultimately pay off remains to be seen. However, reaction to the tantrum-provoking shampoo has thus far been positive.
"My 13-month-old used to be a total pushover," said new mother Catherine Smith. "But ever since I started washing her hair with 'Nothing But Tears' shampoo, not only does my little Debra kick and scream and wail, but yesterday she said her first words: 'No, Mommy, don't.'"
Despite testimonials from satisfied customers, some concerned parents have come out against the new shampoo.
"To knowingly upset your baby like that is downright cruel," said Hershey, PA homemaker Barbara Sterling. "My child is going to lose his blissful sense of innocence the old-fashioned way—by coming home from school one day only to learn that his parents are getting a divorce."

Awakening

I’m starting to understand. I feel the door to revelation cracking, and I bathe in the light coming through. I get glimpses every so often, like little lightning storms in my head. Moments of clarity.
We are slaves. Infected by mind-viruses from an early age, many of us have no idea why we believe the things we do. In religion and politics, most have gotten their convictions at second-hand, without examination, from other non-examiners, who in turn took them from idiots whose opinions weren’t worth a confederate dollar.
We will blindly follow our pre-constructed beliefs because we are afraid. Show a man hell, and he’ll be frightened towards heaven. Then, when his fear subsides, not only will he be ashamed of his weakness, he’ll come back more malignantly wicked than before.
We must abandon our illusions and destroy these structures that imprison our minds.
I will shed my fear, these notions that society tries to cram down my throat. It’s high time for a self-administered, existential Heimlich maneuver. I’m struggling to the top of this summit, and the air up here is very sweet.

Open Wide

This is a gem I found on one of the menus from a popular take-out joint near my work...
For when regular vacations just dont cut it!

Gone, not forgotten

These thoughts invade my mind. They take me back to times that are by turns too painful and beautiful to remember. I’ve never wanted to be one of those, who, like absinthe drinkers, are lost in dreams. Still, I go back.
You cannot remain in the past, and you can’t bring back the dead. I see them; they appear so alive and vital, I almost convince myself that if I believe enough, they’ll return. But it’s all in vain; for though your memory may come tantalizingly close, and though your heart breaks while you wither under the power of its lash, your past stays in your head, and your hands clutch at ghosts.
It’s as though the gods crack the door to eternity and allow you a glimpse, then slam it in your face, saying “leave it to us”...as if the whole thing were only a lesson.
But to see the beauty in this is to grasp the ropes of light that run uninterrupted between life and death. Touching them is an act of hope, for perhaps our loved ones on the other side, if there is another side, are touching them too.

The Guns

The sound of artillery is visceral and blood-chilling. The concussion is felt mainly in the chest and throat, blurring vision and emptying the mind of all thought. Those who hear it are taken to a distant place; alien, cold, and unfamiliar.
Its blast appears to have escaped from a fissure in the ground, and the thunderous roar is unmistakable, different from the aerial tantrums we associate it with.
The cacophony of a rolling barrage breaks as smoothly as a wave, but sets the soul adrift in an ocean of darkness.

Hope

I take in the grace of the surrounding seascape like a blind man whose vision is suddenly restored, not in a drab clinic, but on a high and windy promontory overlooking half the world. Though the only noise is the thunder of the sea, I take music from my memory and fuse it with the sound of wind and waves. The fullness of the clouds and the sparkling of the sun on shattered liquid brings tranquility and profound bliss.
Though I feel the end approaching - the end of the familiar, the rearrangement of the elements of beauty... I believe that as the night presses it's ever-expanding claim, the things in which I put my faith will come most alive, and fight their undoing by rising up to their full and majestic height.
After suffering must come redemption. Of this I have no doubt.

The Tandem Story

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix. The professor told his class one day:

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary. THE STORY:

(First paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(Second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. " A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her."Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--ING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca) Asshole.

(Gary) Bitch

(Rebecca) F__CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary) Go drink some tea - whore.


(TEACHER) A+ ! I really liked this one.

Lucid

Don’t do things by halves. If you love a woman, you love her entirely. You give everything. You don’t spend your time in bars, you don’t make love to other women; you don’t take her for granted. All creatures are given gifts, no matter their station or condition. It may be innocence for a lunatic, or heaven for a thief. But one thing is not given, it must be earned; something that a lazy man can never know. Understanding, grace, elevation of the spirit – call it what you will, it comes only of work, sacrifice, and suffering.
Don’t hesitate if you see a chance to feel something beautiful; rush in headlong and abandon caution. We are wretched fools, and our lives are small blemishes on the vastness of eternity. You have the chance to stay awake all night with that beautiful soul; take it. Grasp this life in your two hands and wring out every drop of timeless radiance.
The gods should envy us our mortality, everything becomes lovelier because we’re doomed. She may never be more beautiful than she is at this moment. You will never be here again.

Pent

Perhaps real beauty can be understood in that it is not just a combination, but a dissolution; that after the threads are woven and tangled, they then untangle, and continue on their separate ways. Music is a chain forged half of silence and half of sound; love is nothing without longing and loss. If life were not to have death at it's end, and death not to have been preceeded by life, neither would be of any consequence.

In these metaphysics alone I find happiness. I see her green sweater and the neckline that it holds together, in proportions that are almost perfect. I see the light in her face, staring into the breeze that carries cool air up from the ocean. Her hair glows and eyes flash like blue fire.

I cannot tame her, but perhaps I can run with her.

HUMANS!

Is your planet full of lush greenery, with clean water and a self-sustaining ecosystem? Does everything function symbiotically, in an awe-inspiring balance of wondrous proportion?
Then you need HUMANS! In just a short few thousand years, humans can completely and utterly F**K UP YOUR PLANET!
Simply integrate them into your amazing world and watch as they mindlessly gobble up resources, clear-cut rainforests, manufacture usless shit at an alarming rate, spew noxious and/or toxic chemicals into the water and air, deplete your ozone layer, enslave and murder their own kind, and divide the planet into imaginary sections so that they can worship shiny rocks and colorful pieces of paper.

SO! If you're tired of your boring planet, full of peace, tranquility, animals, plants, natural resources, and clean water, dont hesistate to order HUMANS today! Thanks to an excess, Planet Earth has literally BILLIONS of these creatures to spare! COME ON, UNIVERSE! Isnt it time you enjoyed the benefits that only HUMANS can offer?

***WARNING***Humans are not for everyone. Side effects may include climate change, war, rape, drugs, disease, poverty, politicians, the apocalypse, reality TV, torture, prostitution, recreational joggers, Rosie O' Donnell, K-fed, and religious zealotry.

Floating

Honey, I'm home. I'm thrilled at how clear and blue she is today. The sheeple splash around in the shallows, screaming and flirting. Writhing masses of humanity, I cant escape them. Yes, I can. Swim out, away from the things of man. The shoreline shrinks, and I'm filled with joy. Stretch these moments, bend space-time around them, loop them back on each other and fashion an eternal snapshot of bliss.
I know someday I'll find you. I'll kiss your lips and carry you out into the palace of winds; a land without borders, a kingdom of conscience.

That's all I've ever wanted, to walk in such a place with you.

Strange Truths

Mainstream psychology is starting to accept the idea that women are attracted to "Bad Boys". It will probably be another ten years before anyone with a degree puts two and two together and says "Hey, maybe women feel attraction for Bad Boys for natural, evolutionary reasons, and that's why Bad Boys are considered "sexy".. ."

Hell, maybe I should say it... Oh, I already did. Whatever.

Point is, there's something to the idea that woman don't feel that powerful gut level attraction for "nice" guys who chase after them and kiss up to them.Women do, on the other hand, feel that magical emotion called attraction for bad boys.Of course, I don't believe that you MUST be a jerk, or abuse women in order to make them feel attracted to you.

There's a much better way...
Below are 2 scenarios to try when chatting with an attractive woman; try them and notice the difference.

1) Smile all the time.
2) Be very nice, cordial, and friendly. Use no sarcasm, and don't tease.
3) Act as if you really "like" the woman you're talking to... and as if you're "interested" in her.
4) Give her lots of compliments.
5) Optional: Politely say "You probably have a boyfriend, right? Can I take you out sometime?"

Now, try something different with the next woman you talk to...

1) Don't smile very often.
2) Pretend that you've known her for 20 years, and that you're TOO comfortable around her. Tease her for something that no one teases her about... like the way she dresses, etc.
3) Pretend that she's interested in YOU, and has been pursuing YOU, and that you're resisting her. Make jokes about it and say things like "I just don't think things are going to work out between us".
4) Pay her no compliments of any kind. If she gives you any, say "That's a cheesy pick up line.
Can't you think of something more original?"
5) Optional: Say "Hey, do you have a phone number? Good. Write it down here..." ...and watch her obey.
You should notice a huge difference between the first woman you talked to, and this one. When you're being a nice wuss, you'll see the look on her face that says "Oh, no. Another guy who "likes" me. How can I get rid of him politely?"During the second conversation, you'll see her opening her mouth with the "half smile, half oh-no-you-didn't-just-say-that look". You'll feel a tension in the air. You'll notice she'll look at you as if she can't believe what she's hearing.If you're particularly sharp and funny, you might just hear her say "I like you... we have to hang
out sometime" within the first few minutes of the conversation. You will never hear that when you're playing the "Nice Wuss".

Brillig

I was hanging some shelves when the cyber-rhinoceros burst through the wall, tusks exploding with brilliant fire. "Cookies!" It screamed.
And I woke up.

Tempest

Saltwater chokes me. I've swallowed pints of the stuff, and I'm done. I'm sweating...my own measly contribution to the briny soup I struggle in. Growing weaker with each stroke, I try to power past the roaring surf, the foam that laughs at me. I see dolphins effortlessly cutting accross the breakline. I sense their joy, feel their intelligence and wish that I could fly among them. Stroke. The surf assaults me, slapping my board away, flinging me like a ragdoll. Snap goes my leash. Shit. Gaze up at the rising wave-crest, a gaping maw ready to devour me. The sea doesn't want me. Some days it welcomes me like a lover..gently.. and on others it rages and punishes. Rattled, lungs bursting, I explode to the surface and am buried again. I realize that I love breathing and miss it terribly.

Is this when I die? ..I wonder if passing through the gates of death is like crossing quietly over a pasture fence. On the other side, you simply keep walking, without the need to look back. No shock, no lights, no sounds of thunder or great voices, just the simple lifting of a plank in the fence and the peaceful walk into fields of gold.

But not yet. Not yet!

Float. Float on your back, stop struggling. The sea relents, allows me to backstroke in to shore..I gasp on the sand for what seems like hours. My board and my fear are the only things I've lost.

Ocean-1, Chris-0

Escape

If you want to see a mermaid, this is what you do: Dive down to where the water is no longer blue, where the sky is only a memory, and float there, in the silence. Stay there, and decide that you'll die for them. Only then will they come out, greet you, and judge the love you have for them. If it's sincere, if it's pure, they'll be with you, and take you away forever.

I escape.

All my cares shatter as my body breaks the water. I dive till I feel the pressure grip me. Hearing nothing but the slow thrum of my pulse, I spread my arms and hang there in the stillness. Enveloped by the sea. Caressing me like the arms of a lover, begging me to sink deeper into it's velvety blackness. This is a different world. Up, I see spears of sunlight boring into the void, reminding me where I come from, where I must return. No! I need this. Need to stay here. I see them, hear their voices.

I am dying.

Agony rips me back to reality. Heartbeat thundering like Vulcan's forge, I tear my eyes from this unholy beauty and scale the vertical water-path back to my world.
I float on the timeless sea, and the sun warms my cheeks. Smiling a bitter smile, I know that one day I will be back to stay.

Alive

I whisper.
Her perfect lips shine like the sea in moonlight. She smiles and I lean in closer...Grey Goose. Is this happening because of the alcohol? I wonder where I would be without this mythical social lubricant. I wonder where she got those perfect teeth...I wonder how my breath smells. Back to business.
Bam! I taste her lips. Time stops. There is nothing, and everything. I kiss her while the stars wheel overhead and there is nothing but the wind, and bliss. I feel the lightning trying to sweep me down, but I fight it. I immerse myself in this cross-fire of beautiful images and I beat this feeling, like molten steel, into beams of light. Radiance.
I focus my eyes and throw the current across the gap. Her eyes widen and we look at each other, breathing.
For an instant, the delicate tangles of her hair fill the emptiness of my hands. And then she is gone.

It

To be truly happy, give everything you have...you must work to exhaustion, live to exhaustion, and love to exhaustion.
If I want to go to Paris, I go to Paris. I dont hang around like an ass with a half-dozen bags who's gone to take in the sights at Disneyland. People like that continually expose their souls to mortal danger by imagining they are free of it..when indeed, the only danger to the spirit is to live too long without it.
The world is made of fire.