Adventures in the Restroom

Life

It's shiny cars, wistful eyes and roast beef for dinner. It's chaos, and harmony and water balloon fights, and words you can't take back. It's tears of joy and pain and feelings you can't explain. It's questions and answers and "I don't knows". It's the rise and fall of civilizations and stock markets and kids on trampolines - It's finding true love, losing it, and finding it all over again. It's music and sensation and touchdowns and chocolate. It's spirituality, and inspiration, and money, and traffic jams - It's disaster, and heroism, and paper clips, and knowing when to breathe - It's flirting, and tasting, and curiosity. It's fast, and it's slow, and it's rising and falling. It's every moment, every hope, every dream, every piece of the cosmic puzzle. It's life. And it's yours.

Drugs are bad....mmmkay

America's failed War on Drugs has been a gateway to a police state resulting in a total loss of privacy, unconstitutional asset forfeiture laws, no knock raids and jails stuffed with poor souls convicted of victimless crimes. Isn't our parasitic and murderous military/industrial complex sufficient cause for national shame? Must we add to it a rapidly metastasizing prison/ industrial complex that is equally parasitic and murderous?

Forget about legalization of marijuana. Let's move on to decriminalization. And while we're at it, let's decriminalize all the other substances that are now banned. Why did the people of a supposedly free country ever allow the State to dictate what they may or may not put in their bodies? Who owns our bodies, we or the State? America's drug laws are only about a century old and of a racist impulse. Their origin is in the early anti-opium laws intended to harass Chinese immigrants. Prior to then, Americans were pretty much free to do with their bodies as they pleased. Drug addiction was no worse than today, and society was free of the violence and corruption caused by hysterical drug prohibition.

Tobacco and alcohol are a far greater health hazard, yet both are tolerated, if not celebrated. We needn't search far to find wildly popular substances that have created a national health calamity. Sugar, Aspartame, high fructose corn syrup, MSG and hydrogenated fats, all found in the most common processed "foods" are a leading cause of disease and death in America. Yet children are willfully exposed to these poisons and no one is serving jail time for doing so. Our meat is pumped full of dangerous hormones and antibiotics and our crops are raised using toxic, nutrient depleting, artificial fertilizers and pesticides. Our drinking water is now laced with prescription drugs peddled to a gullible public desperate for a quick fix to disease caused by their unhealthy eating habits. Yet our "public servants" are annually wasting tens of billions of taxpayers' money jailing people for what they smoke, snort and shoot into their veins. This is institutional hypocrisy and national madness on an epic scale.

Today we are appalled that our ancestors tortured and burned people at the stake for being "witches." Years from now enlightened people will shake their heads in disbelief that Americans gutted their precious Bill of Rights so that busybodies could punish millions of people for what they put in their bodies.

Rancid soup for the soul

Today, at the grocery store, I unloaded my basket at the checkout, and placed it at the foot of the counter, as all shoppers do. The thin, beady-eyed young girl (for reference purposes, henceforth known as troll) behind the register started a conversation with me, and it went like this:

Troll: "Put it back".
Chris: "Excuse me?"
Troll: "Put it back. The basket. Put it back where you found it".
Chris: "Oh, you mean take this basket back to the door with all my groceries? No, it can stay right there".
Troll: "This job is hard enough without having to clean up after the messes people make".
Chris: "Isnt that part of your job? Stacking the baskets at the door when shoppers leave them at the checkout?"
Troll: "Umm, Ive been here since 1 and I'm really tired."
Chris: "I hate my job too, but I've never heard of other grocery stores asking shoppers to bring their baskets back to the door."
Troll: "Well, Im sure that in other grocery stores it pisses the workers off just as much, but they just dont say anything."
Chris: "Awwww, are you having a rough day? Do you hate your job? My day was no picnic either, and thanks to your crappy attitude, you've just made both our days a little bit worse."

*****Awkward silence*******

When I become der Fuhrer, the first load of people stuffed into the gas chambers will be the ones with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, followed closely by those with chip-laden shoulders.

By the pool

Beauty all around, everywhere - in the trees that sway lightly, like ocean waves; in the rich colors of late afternoon as the retreating sun makes the east a shadowless perfection of evenly throbbing light; in the slightly dusty haze that comes with the approach of evening, dry and cool; in her hair as the wind travels through it as slowly as a boat in polar seas. And all the memories summoned by these beauties resonate and sing, until, in their ecstatic multiplication, they close themselves off to mortal view by virtue of the light that is too bright to see.
Endless summer, endless love. That's all I've ever wanted, to walk in such a place with you.

The holy gospel of the easter bunny

The best picture ever taken.

Yes, that is a Lion in a sidecar, racing around a wall of death.

Vain babbling

This morning while I was on the freeway I was picking my nose, really digging in there for about 2 minutes. I looked over and the girl in the next car was laughing at me. She gave me a thumbs up, because I always look good, even when I’m picking my nose.
Next, when I walked into the office, I found a rather large moth clinging to the wall. I poked it and called it’s name (moth, moth), but it was unresponsive. I cradled it in my palm and stroked it’s furry back, crooning softly and willing it to wake up. It finally stirred, either due to the heat from my hand or my spiritual bond with animals and insects, I can’t be sure which. My lepidopteratic friend began to flap its wings in anticipation of joyous flight into the morning as I murmured encouragement. At last, it burst from my palm and began to fly drunkenly in slowly tightening circles. I then realized that my fingers had destroyed the tiny scales on its wings, dooming it to forever crawl the earth, gazing into the sky and cursing the misguided good Samaritan who crippled it. I asked myself what Bear Grylls would do, and I knew immediately. With a heavy heart I plucked the poor creature from the sky, and ate it for breakfast.

Your Attention Please

The only thing able to pull me out of my non-posting slump was the birthday of dear Adrianne. I love you haney, for so long you've been my best friend, confidante, and shoulder. I love you dearly and hope for only the best things for you in the coming year.

Recent activities

Some pens were scattered around on my desk. I picked them up one by one. I placed the pens in the drawer which I use to store pens.
I then stood up, at a central point in the room. The walls were all at approximately the same distance from me. I continued to stand there for a few moments.
My knee had a slight itch. I reached out my hand and scratched the knee in question. The itch was relieved and I was able to continue with my activities. There was an object occupying a space on my table. Using my hand I picked up the item from its place. Having considered my options for a moment I placed the object on a different area of the table. I was standing quite near to a wall. I turned my attention towards it for a few moments. Having done this for several seconds I turned away from it and carried on doing something else.

Kathy's Song

Eva Cassidy did a great version of this song. That's her playing guitar, too.



I hear the drizzle of the rain
Like a memory it falls
Soft and warm, continuing
tapping on my roof and walls

From the shelter of my mind
through the window of my eyes
I gaze beyond the rain drenched streets
To you, where my heart lies

My mind's distracted and diffused
my thoughts are many miles away
they lie with you when youre asleep
and kiss you when you start your day

So you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held was true
I stand alone without belief
the only truth I know is you

And as I watch the drops of rain
weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
there, but for the grace of you, go I

California dreaming

I feel them trying to stifle me, the hands of corporate America on my shoulders. Maybe Im crazy, perhaps my feelings are as old as time. I can imagine cro-magnon man reluctantly waking up with the dawn, cursing the great lizard that swallows the sun at night and then poops it out again the next morning. Im sitting here staring at 361 unread emails, and contemplating pouring my coffee into the top of the monitor.
I think about the wind ripping joyfully over the top of the mountain, as the ones I love and me sit with legs dangling, my heart bursting with the beauty that surrounds me. I want to drink the cool air and feel alive again.
In plain english, Im back from the best vacation of my life and feeling a tad sorry for myself.
As painful as it may be to come back to the real world, I know that life isnt meant to be a permanent vacation. Without 361 emails and screaming malcontents at work, how could I ever appreciate the sublime beauty of those mountain getaways.

Join the Safety Team!!

This made me laugh, check this out…from the retards on our “safety team” at work. I’m certain they made that title up. I can finally put my mind at ease, knowing that there's a committee sitting around thinking of ways to make people safer in our hazardous, climate-controlled office environment. Our company's "Safety Committee" is about as useful as a "Rwandan Obesity Clinic", a "Chinese Democratic Party", or a Planned Parenthood office in Salt Lake City .

“It’s the safety committee! Saving office drones from carpal tunnel syndrome! Now hosting coffee-pouring classes!”

This email was a real gem, thank you safety team! I would never have guessed that I should walk carefully when the ground is covered in water. Why, I wouldnt even have noticed that it was pissing rain this morning if you hadn't told me! What really cracks me up is that this email would only be read AFTER someone had walked through the lobby and elevator coming in to work. What if I had broken my neck in the lobby because I hadn’t yet received this vital information!?!?!

End of Rant

Just words

Why do I love, and why is beauty so powerful? I think I understand that each and every instance of beauty is a promise..an example, of a life that can end in balance, with symmetry, purpose, and hope - even without explanation. Beauty has no explanation, but it's product is love.
The beauty that I see is absolute, and needn't explained or interpreted, just seized; The light on her hair, her entire body, part by part, in the light, in the dark; her smile, the way she moves, the coincidence of colors in her dress and her eyes; Her fingers as they rest in my hand, the pace of her breathing, the sweetness of her scent, the taste of her mouth.
Such things - and I have only brushed the surface - put to shame any poor words I can use to describe them.

Its all true, I swear...

After 15 minutes of ineffectual pounding of my skull against the computer monitor, I saw a brilliant flash of white and realized that I had somehow transcended space-time and entered an alternate dimension. Although a large v-shaped object obscured some of my vision, I was able to see a landscape transformed, teeming with vibrant colors and striking patterns I hadnt previously noticed. It appeared that all objects in my tangible reality had been multiplied by 2! I now had 4 hands, there were now 2 cups of coffee, and 2 computer monitors on my desk. I fumbled awkwardly with my now two wallets, and discovered that the money within had doubled! Oh joyous day! The possibilities exploded in my consciousness as I realized I now had 2 girlfriends, drove 2 cars, and had 2 domiciles to lay my 2 heads. The excitement began to mount as I went to the bathroom to wash the tears of joy and wonder from my eyes.
It was there in front of the mirror that I realized I was cross-eyed, and I wept.

And now, for something new and interesting...

I woke up, and realized that my nose was filled with boogers. I pulled back the covers, put my feet on the floor, and walked over to my desk. I picked up the tissue paper, put the kleenex to my nose, and blew hard. I looked at the yield and admired the multicolored, gentle brown and yellow hues of my nostril export.

Natural Selection?

Back in the good old days, the weak, slow and stupid would be eaten by lions, leaving the quick and the smart to live on and breed quick and smart babies. But these days, any moron can wheel themselves around a Wal-mart on an electric scooter, buying Hot Pockets with food stamps while talking on their prepaid cellphones, then going home to have 15 other fat, stupid babies. This isn't evolution, It's de-evolution. And we have technology to thank for it.A baby born today will usually live a long and healthy life, which in turn works against the evolutionary tool of natural selection.Basically, living in this technologically-advanced era reduces the influence of mutation, random change and natural selection, the three major forces of evolution. 300 years ago, there were few diabetics. Why? Because everyone who had abnormally high or low levels of glucose would keel over and die of renal failure at the tender age of 25. Nowadays, slap an insulin pump on them and they're good to go for another 50 years. That means it's no longer survival of the fittest, instead just survival of everyone. Which means we won't be seeing as many changes in the species as we've seen in the last few millennia. Indeed, we may have hit a plateau, where everyone gets to add their seeds to the gene pool no matter how slow, sickly, or stupid they may be.
It's a brave new world.

Ultimate Farting Preacher

You must watch this all the way through.

Stargazing

I'm free, and her head is resting on my chest. The alcohol is burning comfortably in me as we lay in the sleeping bag and the stars wheel overhead. We breathe the cool air that falls like a river from the mountains, and she kisses me. I smile in admiration of the stars burning in the sky, and because though it's only been a short while, connections are forming with a sweet rapidity. Time is both compressed and extended, the air flowing by laden with messages that I dont understand. As they break in their millions like whitecaps on the sea, they shatter the peace of the night and restore it in a rhythm that ebbs and flows and sends me to a beautiful place.

Silence is golden

Well, its been awhile. Ive had ideas for several fantastic (if I do say so myself) blog postings, but I restrained myself...there are young and innocent minds I dont wish to pollute. Furthermore, my views are rather un-religious and probably downright blasphemous. Not wishing to alienate or offend any of my dear family, lacking any 'safe' blogging material, and refusing to post inane tidbits about my mind-numbingly boring day-to-day activities, I remain silent.