Shall I start a cooking blog? Yes.
Today, let’s talk about healthy eating. Many people confuse “Healthy” with “yummy”, “easy to chew”, “not poisonous”, and “non-radioactive”. The common misconception that eating healthy should be enjoyable must be crushed; there’s nothing like a good dose of suffering to kick your body’s immune system into high gear. When I want to run a steam engine at 88mph, I don’t gaily feed it twigs and morning dew, I ram sticks of dynamite into the boiler and put on my sunglasses to shield me from exposure to too much awesome. So too does your body function. If you want to be dangerous, eat dangerous! I present to you the menu of the gods, aka Muscle Tribe of Danger and Excellence.
Start your morning with a Box Jellyfish and woodscrew smoothie. Fry up a couple King Cobra venom glands and throw that into an omelet along with a handful of gravel and aluminum dust. As a garnish, crush up a few Marbled Cone Snails and mix that in with some paint thinner and broken glass.
For brunch, get out a dozen Blue-Ringed Octopi, some crackers, and asbestos-and-gastric acid paté and make finger sandwiches.
For lunch, get your hands on a loaf of very fresh French bread and about six Death Stalker Scorpion poison glands, some provolone cheese, fresh garden lettuce, and a pint of industrial adhesive, and make yourself a sandwich. On the side, slice up a couple Stonefish and fry them in battery acid to make some delicious chips. If you’re still hungry, procure some 12M NaOH fondue and spice it up with diced Brazilian Wandering Spider, and perhaps chunks of coral if you’re feeling frisky.
For dinner, start out with a buttered Inland Taipan Snake - of course with garlic butter, and a small dish of black tar heroin for a spicy sauce. For a main course, nothing beats Poison Dart Frog shish kebabs, which are nicely complemented by hunks of uranium and sharpened obsidian. For dessert, we’re always a fan of a breaded Puffer Fish, served with a dipping sauce consisting of Naga Jolokia pepper and thorns from various vegetation. But not lima beans. We f*****g hate lima beans.
Obviously, this diet program is not for the weak. Happy eating!
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Rage against the manatee
As I lay there, slowly being crushed to death, I pondered the burning questions:
“Is this how it feels to die on the surface of Jupiter? What does it say for Brazilian jiu-jitsu when they give black belts to 400-lb teletubbies? To what depths of degradation have I sunk?”
The author and the finisher of these ruminations sat comfortably on my chest, his belly fat engulfing my face. I would have vomited, except for the airtight blubber mask suffocating me.
When Bill first brought him onto the mat, I took it for a joke. At 6’ 4”, he must have weighed 400 lbs if he weighed 1. Our instructor introduced him as his good friend Steve, and a talented Jiu-Jitsu black belt. Say what? I could have sworn that you said black belt? Sorry, I was busy enjoying the image of a beleaguered manatee, swimming slowly beneath a yacht.
The party really started when Steve, starting with the highest ranks, began throwing the students around like ninepins and generally wreaking havoc on the mat. This porker had moves! He moved with the lithe abandon of a Fantasia elephant, and the speed of Sally Struthers chasing the world’s last doughnut.
In fear and trembling I took my turn, and was thrown onto my back within 10 seconds. As Steve crushed me, I lay there completely helpless, and all my Herculean efforts to escape were about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop.
Did I have it all wrong? Would the obese inherit the earth? I wondered bitterly how many babies he could eat in a sitting as I spat out his sweaty paunch hair. Mercifully, a clock choke cut my suffering short.
I still don’t know how I feel about the morbidly obese doing martial arts. On the one hand, Steve’s infinite mass gave him a supermassive advantage. On the other, he nearly had an aneurysm after 5 minutes of fighting. Chances are if I could have survived sans oxygen for a few more minutes, I would have won when he died of congestive heart failure.
The moral of this story? There is nothing that a tube of toothpaste, half a bottle of wine and a 45 minute shower can't cure.
“Is this how it feels to die on the surface of Jupiter? What does it say for Brazilian jiu-jitsu when they give black belts to 400-lb teletubbies? To what depths of degradation have I sunk?”
The author and the finisher of these ruminations sat comfortably on my chest, his belly fat engulfing my face. I would have vomited, except for the airtight blubber mask suffocating me.
When Bill first brought him onto the mat, I took it for a joke. At 6’ 4”, he must have weighed 400 lbs if he weighed 1. Our instructor introduced him as his good friend Steve, and a talented Jiu-Jitsu black belt. Say what? I could have sworn that you said black belt? Sorry, I was busy enjoying the image of a beleaguered manatee, swimming slowly beneath a yacht.
The party really started when Steve, starting with the highest ranks, began throwing the students around like ninepins and generally wreaking havoc on the mat. This porker had moves! He moved with the lithe abandon of a Fantasia elephant, and the speed of Sally Struthers chasing the world’s last doughnut.
In fear and trembling I took my turn, and was thrown onto my back within 10 seconds. As Steve crushed me, I lay there completely helpless, and all my Herculean efforts to escape were about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop.
Did I have it all wrong? Would the obese inherit the earth? I wondered bitterly how many babies he could eat in a sitting as I spat out his sweaty paunch hair. Mercifully, a clock choke cut my suffering short.
I still don’t know how I feel about the morbidly obese doing martial arts. On the one hand, Steve’s infinite mass gave him a supermassive advantage. On the other, he nearly had an aneurysm after 5 minutes of fighting. Chances are if I could have survived sans oxygen for a few more minutes, I would have won when he died of congestive heart failure.
The moral of this story? There is nothing that a tube of toothpaste, half a bottle of wine and a 45 minute shower can't cure.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
When in Babel....
I barely recognized this dusty old corner of the web when I logged in the other day. The burning question in my mind is whether or not bloggers are essentially narcissists and attention whores. I've concluded that while many bloggers blog purely to feed their outrageously bloated egos, others actually provide relevant and interesting information to their family and friends.
As you have surely guessed, I am not one of the latter. I blog only for the orgasmic rush I feel when I am notified that someone commented on my blog. Your blog comments are like pure heroin injected directly into my carotid. As any good narcissist will tell you, there is nothing quite so worth-affirming as a turgid, throbbing heap of comments praising you for your latest trivial achievement, mind-numbingly inane post, or infinitely asinine fecal nugget of "wisdom". So, dear nonexistent reader, keep them coming. Your sweet sweet comments light up my brain's reward and pleasure center like the Fourth of July.
In other news...
I think my blogging hiatus is over. I don't think I can match Amber's blistering blogging pace, but I'll try to post every now and then. It keeps the brain active and helps break out of existential funks. Incidentally, so do cattle prods.
I took up Jiu-Jitsu about 4 months ago. Why? Well obviously because I enjoy being wrapped up in the slippery, pungent embrace of another sweating man. Silly question. It's actually a fantastic workout, as every training session takes me within 1/2 dozen beats of heart failure. I also find the ability to physically dominate others very useful. It takes all the annoying small talk and expense out of the dating scene. No longer is it necessary to take a girl to dinner and charm my way into her good graces; I simply throw her to the ground with Seoi-nage, and place her in a compromising and pleasurable hold such as a triangle choke as I have my way with her. I plan on competing at the Pan-American tournament in August, so I'm going to train every day, and post video of my glorious victory as white belt heavyweight champion (or not). Either way, it should be amusing.
As you have surely guessed, I am not one of the latter. I blog only for the orgasmic rush I feel when I am notified that someone commented on my blog. Your blog comments are like pure heroin injected directly into my carotid. As any good narcissist will tell you, there is nothing quite so worth-affirming as a turgid, throbbing heap of comments praising you for your latest trivial achievement, mind-numbingly inane post, or infinitely asinine fecal nugget of "wisdom". So, dear nonexistent reader, keep them coming. Your sweet sweet comments light up my brain's reward and pleasure center like the Fourth of July.
In other news...
I think my blogging hiatus is over. I don't think I can match Amber's blistering blogging pace, but I'll try to post every now and then. It keeps the brain active and helps break out of existential funks. Incidentally, so do cattle prods.
I took up Jiu-Jitsu about 4 months ago. Why? Well obviously because I enjoy being wrapped up in the slippery, pungent embrace of another sweating man. Silly question. It's actually a fantastic workout, as every training session takes me within 1/2 dozen beats of heart failure. I also find the ability to physically dominate others very useful. It takes all the annoying small talk and expense out of the dating scene. No longer is it necessary to take a girl to dinner and charm my way into her good graces; I simply throw her to the ground with Seoi-nage, and place her in a compromising and pleasurable hold such as a triangle choke as I have my way with her. I plan on competing at the Pan-American tournament in August, so I'm going to train every day, and post video of my glorious victory as white belt heavyweight champion (or not). Either way, it should be amusing.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Untitled
A little brown cork
Fell in the path of a whale
Who lashed it down
With his angry tail.
But in spite of its blows
It quickly arose,
And floated serenely
Before his nose.
Said the cork to the whale:
"You may flap, slap, sputter and frown,
But you never, never, can keep me down;
For I'm made of the stuff
That is buoyant enough
To float instead of drown."
Though I see the end approaching - the end of the familiar, the rearrangement of the elements of beauty... I know that as the night presses it's ever-expanding claim, the things in which I put my faith will come most alive, and fight their undoing by rising up to their full and majestic height.
Here's to cork, and here's to you.
Fell in the path of a whale
Who lashed it down
With his angry tail.
But in spite of its blows
It quickly arose,
And floated serenely
Before his nose.
Said the cork to the whale:
"You may flap, slap, sputter and frown,
But you never, never, can keep me down;
For I'm made of the stuff
That is buoyant enough
To float instead of drown."
Though I see the end approaching - the end of the familiar, the rearrangement of the elements of beauty... I know that as the night presses it's ever-expanding claim, the things in which I put my faith will come most alive, and fight their undoing by rising up to their full and majestic height.
Here's to cork, and here's to you.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Here piggy piggy
What do you do when you have a pig that’s so big, he can’t walk? You either:
A-slaughter him, B-put him on a diet, or C-keep feeding him, which is more or less what the health care debate boils down to – the pig representing the current state of our healthcare system. Let’s discuss in a non-partisan way some points about the health care debate that everyone seems to agree upon.
1: The USA spends an inordinate amount of it’s GDP on health care, more than any other nation.
2: Our current healthcare system is radically unfair. –That’s not to say that other healthcare models wouldn’t be more unfair.
First, we have the people who want to ‘kill the pig’.
Some argue that we need a large-scale, govt-run insurance company. The so-called “public option”, which everyone would be able to buy into, and for which the poor would pay less than the rich. This government-run insurer would then be able to negotiate lower costs for procedures, and cut down on the number of procedures used.
Although the “public option” wouldn’t eliminate private insurers, private insurers still HATE the prospect, because they know the government-run company will be larger, and therefore more able to leverage lower prices – making the public option less expensive, and making people less inclined to buy private insurance.
Second, we have those who want to ‘put the pig on a diet’.
These people advocate the creation of some sort of non-profit insurance companies that will compete with private insurance. Because they are non-profit companies, they will not be incentivised to work for shareholders (like for-profit insurers), but instead work for the patients they represent. The downside of the “put the pig on a diet” plan is that you still end up with tens of millions of people with no insurance whatsoever.
Then, you have the people who don’t want healthcare system overhaul. They want to ‘keep feeding the pig’. These people are happy with the current state of their healthcare, and probably don’t want to pay for people who make stupid decisions (gang-bangers with gunshot wounds, alcoholics, smokers, the obese). On some level I can empathize with this. At the OC fair a few years ago, I remember seeing a vendor selling chocolate-covered bacon. I don’t want to be on the financial hook for people that eat chocolate-covered bacon.
Although many people are screaming that they don’t want socialism, what they don’t realize is that many aspects of our government have already been socialist for some time. We share the cost of school, roads, and the military, to name a few. Also, we already have socialized medicine, just an outrageously bloated and inefficient form of it. At most hospitals, ANYONE can go to receive treatment. That treatment may bankrupt you, and it may be of poor quality, but nobody is refused if they cannot pay upfront. I would argue that it is the very inefficiency of our current system that makes medical care so much more expensive than it needs to be.
Is healthcare a privilege, or is it a right? If it is a privilege (even if it’s a very desirable privilege, like indoor plumbing), then we need to STOP giving healthcare of any kind to people who cannot afford to pay for it in advance.
But I think the reason that hospitals continue to treat people who are uninsured is that we, the people, don’t believe that healthcare is a privilege. We believe that it is a right. And if it is a right - like life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness - then it is the responsibility of our government to protect that right.
A-slaughter him, B-put him on a diet, or C-keep feeding him, which is more or less what the health care debate boils down to – the pig representing the current state of our healthcare system. Let’s discuss in a non-partisan way some points about the health care debate that everyone seems to agree upon.
1: The USA spends an inordinate amount of it’s GDP on health care, more than any other nation.
2: Our current healthcare system is radically unfair. –That’s not to say that other healthcare models wouldn’t be more unfair.
First, we have the people who want to ‘kill the pig’.
Some argue that we need a large-scale, govt-run insurance company. The so-called “public option”, which everyone would be able to buy into, and for which the poor would pay less than the rich. This government-run insurer would then be able to negotiate lower costs for procedures, and cut down on the number of procedures used.
Although the “public option” wouldn’t eliminate private insurers, private insurers still HATE the prospect, because they know the government-run company will be larger, and therefore more able to leverage lower prices – making the public option less expensive, and making people less inclined to buy private insurance.
Second, we have those who want to ‘put the pig on a diet’.
These people advocate the creation of some sort of non-profit insurance companies that will compete with private insurance. Because they are non-profit companies, they will not be incentivised to work for shareholders (like for-profit insurers), but instead work for the patients they represent. The downside of the “put the pig on a diet” plan is that you still end up with tens of millions of people with no insurance whatsoever.
Then, you have the people who don’t want healthcare system overhaul. They want to ‘keep feeding the pig’. These people are happy with the current state of their healthcare, and probably don’t want to pay for people who make stupid decisions (gang-bangers with gunshot wounds, alcoholics, smokers, the obese). On some level I can empathize with this. At the OC fair a few years ago, I remember seeing a vendor selling chocolate-covered bacon. I don’t want to be on the financial hook for people that eat chocolate-covered bacon.
Although many people are screaming that they don’t want socialism, what they don’t realize is that many aspects of our government have already been socialist for some time. We share the cost of school, roads, and the military, to name a few. Also, we already have socialized medicine, just an outrageously bloated and inefficient form of it. At most hospitals, ANYONE can go to receive treatment. That treatment may bankrupt you, and it may be of poor quality, but nobody is refused if they cannot pay upfront. I would argue that it is the very inefficiency of our current system that makes medical care so much more expensive than it needs to be.
Is healthcare a privilege, or is it a right? If it is a privilege (even if it’s a very desirable privilege, like indoor plumbing), then we need to STOP giving healthcare of any kind to people who cannot afford to pay for it in advance.
But I think the reason that hospitals continue to treat people who are uninsured is that we, the people, don’t believe that healthcare is a privilege. We believe that it is a right. And if it is a right - like life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness - then it is the responsibility of our government to protect that right.
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