Everything and Nothing

Troll Cooking

2010-10-06T16:00:00.001-07:00

Shall I start a cooking blog? Yes.
Today, let’s talk about healthy eating. Many people confuse “Healthy” with “yummy”, “easy to chew”, “not poisonous”, and “non-radioactive”. The common misconception that eating healthy should be enjoyable must be crushed; there’s nothing like a good dose of suffering to kick your body’s immune system into high gear. When I want to run a steam engine at 88mph, I don’t gaily feed it twigs and morning dew, I ram sticks of dynamite into the boiler and put on my sunglasses to shield me from exposure to too much awesome. So too does your body function. If you want to be dangerous, eat dangerous! I present to you the menu of the gods, aka Muscle Tribe of Danger and Excellence.

Start your morning with a Box Jellyfish and woodscrew smoothie. Fry up a couple King Cobra venom glands and throw that into an omelet along with a handful of gravel and aluminum dust. As a garnish, crush up a few Marbled Cone Snails and mix that in with some paint thinner and broken glass.
For brunch, get out a dozen Blue-Ringed Octopi, some crackers, and asbestos-and-gastric acid paté and make finger sandwiches.
For lunch, get your hands on a loaf of very fresh French bread and about six Death Stalker Scorpion poison glands, some provolone cheese, fresh garden lettuce, and a pint of industrial adhesive, and make yourself a sandwich. On the side, slice up a couple Stonefish and fry them in battery acid to make some delicious chips. If you’re still hungry, procure some 12M NaOH fondue and spice it up with diced Brazilian Wandering Spider, and perhaps chunks of coral if you’re feeling frisky.
For dinner, start out with a buttered Inland Taipan Snake - of course with garlic butter, and a small dish of black tar heroin for a spicy sauce. For a main course, nothing beats Poison Dart Frog shish kebabs, which are nicely complemented by hunks of uranium and sharpened obsidian. For dessert, we’re always a fan of a breaded Puffer Fish, served with a dipping sauce consisting of Naga Jolokia pepper and thorns from various vegetation. But not lima beans. We f*****g hate lima beans.

Obviously, this diet program is not for the weak. Happy eating!

Rage against the manatee

2010-07-13T10:08:00.000-07:00

As I lay there, slowly being crushed to death, I pondered the burning questions:

“Is this how it feels to die on the surface of Jupiter? What does it say for Brazilian jiu-jitsu when they give black belts to 400-lb teletubbies? To what depths of degradation have I sunk?”

The author and the finisher of these ruminations sat comfortably on my chest, his belly fat engulfing my face. I would have vomited, except for the airtight blubber mask suffocating me.

When Bill first brought him onto the mat, I took it for a joke. At 6’ 4”, he must have weighed 400 lbs if he weighed 1. Our instructor introduced him as his good friend Steve, and a talented Jiu-Jitsu black belt. Say what? I could have sworn that you said black belt? Sorry, I was busy enjoying the image of a beleaguered manatee, swimming slowly beneath a yacht.

The party really started when Steve, starting with the highest ranks, began throwing the students around like ninepins and generally wreaking havoc on the mat. This porker had moves! He moved with the lithe abandon of a Fantasia elephant, and the speed of Sally Struthers chasing the world’s last doughnut.

In fear and trembling I took my turn, and was thrown onto my back within 10 seconds. As Steve crushed me, I lay there completely helpless, and all my Herculean efforts to escape were about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop.
Did I have it all wrong? Would the obese inherit the earth? I wondered bitterly how many babies he could eat in a sitting as I spat out his sweaty paunch hair. Mercifully, a clock choke cut my suffering short.

I still don’t know how I feel about the morbidly obese doing martial arts. On the one hand, Steve’s infinite mass gave him a supermassive advantage. On the other, he nearly had an aneurysm after 5 minutes of fighting. Chances are if I could have survived sans oxygen for a few more minutes, I would have won when he died of congestive heart failure.

The moral of this story? There is nothing that a tube of toothpaste, half a bottle of wine and a 45 minute shower can't cure.

Startlingly Accurate

2010-07-01T13:46:00.000-07:00

Whatever he's doing, they don't like it.

2010-06-24T13:03:00.000-07:00

When in Babel....

2010-06-23T13:28:00.000-07:00

I barely recognized this dusty old corner of the web when I logged in the other day. The burning question in my mind is whether or not bloggers are essentially narcissists and attention whores. I've concluded that while many bloggers blog purely to feed their outrageously bloated egos, others actually provide relevant and interesting information to their family and friends.
As you have surely guessed, I am not one of the latter. I blog only for the orgasmic rush I feel when I am notified that someone commented on my blog. Your blog comments are like pure heroin injected directly into my carotid. As any good narcissist will tell you, there is nothing quite so worth-affirming as a turgid, throbbing heap of comments praising you for your latest trivial achievement, mind-numbingly inane post, or infinitely asinine fecal nugget of "wisdom". So, dear nonexistent reader, keep them coming. Your sweet sweet comments light up my brain's reward and pleasure center like the Fourth of July.

In other news...
I think my blogging hiatus is over. I don't think I can match Amber's blistering blogging pace, but I'll try to post every now and then. It keeps the brain active and helps break out of existential funks. Incidentally, so do cattle prods.
I took up Jiu-Jitsu about 4 months ago. Why? Well obviously because I enjoy being wrapped up in the slippery, pungent embrace of another sweating man. Silly question. It's actually a fantastic workout, as every training session takes me within 1/2 dozen beats of heart failure. I also find the ability to physically dominate others very useful. It takes all the annoying small talk and expense out of the dating scene. No longer is it necessary to take a girl to dinner and charm my way into her good graces; I simply throw her to the ground with Seoi-nage, and place her in a compromising and pleasurable hold such as a triangle choke as I have my way with her. I plan on competing at the Pan-American tournament in August, so I'm going to train every day, and post video of my glorious victory as white belt heavyweight champion (or not). Either way, it should be amusing.

Untitled

2009-10-13T08:33:00.000-07:00

A little brown cork
Fell in the path of a whale
Who lashed it down
With his angry tail.
But in spite of its blows
It quickly arose,
And floated serenely
Before his nose.
Said the cork to the whale:
"You may flap, slap, sputter and frown,
But you never, never, can keep me down;
For I'm made of the stuff
That is buoyant enough
To float instead of drown."

Though I see the end approaching - the end of the familiar, the rearrangement of the elements of beauty... I know that as the night presses it's ever-expanding claim, the things in which I put my faith will come most alive, and fight their undoing by rising up to their full and majestic height.

Here's to cork, and here's to you.

Here piggy piggy

2009-08-18T20:12:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you have a pig that’s so big, he can’t walk? You either:
A-slaughter him, B-put him on a diet, or C-keep feeding him, which is more or less what the health care debate boils down to – the pig representing the current state of our healthcare system. Let’s discuss in a non-partisan way some points about the health care debate that everyone seems to agree upon.
1: The USA spends an inordinate amount of it’s GDP on health care, more than any other nation.
2: Our current healthcare system is radically unfair. –That’s not to say that other healthcare models wouldn’t be more unfair.

First, we have the people who want to ‘kill the pig’.
Some argue that we need a large-scale, govt-run insurance company. The so-called “public option”, which everyone would be able to buy into, and for which the poor would pay less than the rich. This government-run insurer would then be able to negotiate lower costs for procedures, and cut down on the number of procedures used.
Although the “public option” wouldn’t eliminate private insurers, private insurers still HATE the prospect, because they know the government-run company will be larger, and therefore more able to leverage lower prices – making the public option less expensive, and making people less inclined to buy private insurance.

Second, we have those who want to ‘put the pig on a diet’.
These people advocate the creation of some sort of non-profit insurance companies that will compete with private insurance. Because they are non-profit companies, they will not be incentivised to work for shareholders (like for-profit insurers), but instead work for the patients they represent. The downside of the “put the pig on a diet” plan is that you still end up with tens of millions of people with no insurance whatsoever.

Then, you have the people who don’t want healthcare system overhaul. They want to ‘keep feeding the pig’. These people are happy with the current state of their healthcare, and probably don’t want to pay for people who make stupid decisions (gang-bangers with gunshot wounds, alcoholics, smokers, the obese). On some level I can empathize with this. At the OC fair a few years ago, I remember seeing a vendor selling chocolate-covered bacon. I don’t want to be on the financial hook for people that eat chocolate-covered bacon.

Although many people are screaming that they don’t want socialism, what they don’t realize is that many aspects of our government have already been socialist for some time. We share the cost of school, roads, and the military, to name a few. Also, we already have socialized medicine, just an outrageously bloated and inefficient form of it. At most hospitals, ANYONE can go to receive treatment. That treatment may bankrupt you, and it may be of poor quality, but nobody is refused if they cannot pay upfront. I would argue that it is the very inefficiency of our current system that makes medical care so much more expensive than it needs to be.

Is healthcare a privilege, or is it a right? If it is a privilege (even if it’s a very desirable privilege, like indoor plumbing), then we need to STOP giving healthcare of any kind to people who cannot afford to pay for it in advance.

But I think the reason that hospitals continue to treat people who are uninsured is that we, the people, don’t believe that healthcare is a privilege. We believe that it is a right. And if it is a right - like life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness - then it is the responsibility of our government to protect that right.

The Facial Flex

2009-08-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

Coming to a retailer near you:

Susanna Mari Doss

2009-08-03T08:35:00.001-07:00

Today is Suzy's birthday. In honor of this solemn and momentous occasion, I would like to share some of my most cherished memories of her.

The first that springs to mind is of her running down the grassy slopes at Dino park, then falling and breaking her arm. I was mightily jealous of all the attention she recieved, and intrigued by the makeshift splint that the overzealous adults made for her out of cardboard, twigs, rope, human hair, and bras[citation needed]. My wonder soon turned to weeping and gnashing of teeth, as when she watched our group during 'naptime', she made good use of her cast-bound arm by vigorously bonking the evildoers(me) over the head with it.

Another fond memory of her is the torture and humiliation I endured when she, along with my other sisters, would hold me down and tickle me mercilessly, laughing at my helplessness.

Joking aside, I do have many fond memories of you Suz, like going up to NHK field, flying a kite, and you reading L. M. Alcott's books to us. How thin you were after coming home from Africa, and how happy I was to have you home. Our adventures(or lack thereof) at the editing studio, and our long bike rides, pool trips, and frisbee sessions at the park.
I think, looking back, at what I appreciate most about you is that although you were always very intelligent and learned, you never made me feel dumb, and always treated me with patience and helped me learn by teaching me new things and ideas.
I think those traits have made, and will make you an excellent mother. Noah, Dillon, and Zoe are very lucky.
I love you and hope you have a wonderful birthday!

What is best in life?

2009-08-01T22:00:00.000-07:00

Well said Arnold, well said.

Ascent into madness

2009-07-13T20:23:00.001-07:00

This past weekend I took it upon myself to climb Mt. San Antonio, the highest mountain in the world. "Why", you ask? "Because it is there", I say.
Not only would I climb it, but by God I would find the most challenging route up to the summit. Ride the ski lift halfway to the top? I scoff at your ski lift.
Because I am a genius, I discovered a little known trail that cut straight to the top, with no need for those wimpy switchbacks or gently sloping ridgelines. This "Ski Hut trail" is difficult to find, and even more difficult to master. But master it I did. All 4 and 1/2 miles of vertical goat-path. Lubricated by the sweat of my brow and the secretion of all manner of bodily fluids, I propelled myself to the summit on quaking chicken legs.

Here, we see our hero beginning the treacherous ascent, armed only with his wits and 2 litres of water.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I began the climb in high spirits, as I had previously sacrificed 3 orphaned Tutsi children to Moloch in hopes of fair weather, which he granted me. Emerging from the parking lot, I had an urge to purge, but I was thwarted at the port-a-potties by a group of hippies dressed as hikers, who loitered and pooped with abandon, hogging the facilities. I forged ahead, squirrels chattering in wonder at the dashing figure blazing up the mountain. After approximately 500 feet I realized that my blistering pace was unsustainable, and I wisely slowed to a mincing helf-step to conserve energy. I found the trail, a 12-inch path cutting up the slope, and began my ascent.
The view.

I immediately began breathing heavily, but not due to exhaustion. I blame the breathtaking vistas around me for literally "taking my breath away", and not the fact that I have the lung capacity of an asthmatic smoker. As I climbed, I realized that this was not going to be a pleasant experience. I wasn't even at the halfway point, and already my romantic notions of solo climbing were evaporating like the briny liquid that covered every inch of my upper body.

The sunscreen coating my face began to trickle down into my eyes, blinding and enraging me. I stumbled on, bellowing and weeping as I labored to the "Ski Hut", the halfway point. This edifice was constructed by demented sherpas who took it upon themselves to fabricate a hut at 8,000 feet with no doors or windows. I'm serious. No doors or windows. It's beyond me. I did, however, avail myself of the "facilities", an outhouse filled with wasps.I live a charmed life.
I rested, munched on trail mix, and attempted to compose myself. I struck up a conversation with an older gent who seemed knowledgeable about the mountain. He advised me cheerfully that the "worst was yet to come", and recommended that I look sharp because the trail is easily lost in the rocky area. Charmed, I contemplated what kind of death would overtake me as I blundered, half-blind, among the sharp rocks. This is the f*****g trail.

I pressed on. The next 2 hours were a blur of pain and hyperventilation. As my hip dislocated with each step forward, I begun to believe that my head was inhabited by gold-mining dwarves. Their incessant hammering between my ears drove me nearly to distraction. My greatest regret is that due to the state I was in, I didnt stop to appreciate the gorgeous scenery as well as I should have. The last mile was the hardest. I felt sure that heart failure was in my near future, and I finally staggered gasping onto the summit.
I rested for about 1/2 hour, and then made my way down the ridge leading to the ski lifts.

What did I learn from this adventure? Absolutely nothing. My legs feel like i was set upon by Tonya Harding's goons, and it hurts to sit down. Still, I would recommend this climb. I laughed. I cried. I vomited. I voided nearly all producible bodily fluids. I am a new man.

Adventures in the Restroom

2009-06-26T09:35:00.000-07:00

Life

2009-06-25T18:26:00.000-07:00

It's shiny cars, wistful eyes and roast beef for dinner. It's chaos, and harmony and water balloon fights, and words you can't take back. It's tears of joy and pain and feelings you can't explain. It's questions and answers and "I don't knows". It's the rise and fall of civilizations and stock markets and kids on trampolines - It's finding true love, losing it, and finding it all over again. It's music and sensation and touchdowns and chocolate. It's spirituality, and inspiration, and money, and traffic jams - It's disaster, and heroism, and paper clips, and knowing when to breathe - It's flirting, and tasting, and curiosity. It's fast, and it's slow, and it's rising and falling. It's every moment, every hope, every dream, every piece of the cosmic puzzle. It's life. And it's yours.

Drugs are bad....mmmkay

2009-05-22T16:25:00.000-07:00

America's failed War on Drugs has been a gateway to a police state resulting in a total loss of privacy, unconstitutional asset forfeiture laws, no knock raids and jails stuffed with poor souls convicted of victimless crimes. Isn't our parasitic and murderous military/industrial complex sufficient cause for national shame? Must we add to it a rapidly metastasizing prison/ industrial complex that is equally parasitic and murderous?

Forget about legalization of marijuana. Let's move on to decriminalization. And while we're at it, let's decriminalize all the other substances that are now banned. Why did the people of a supposedly free country ever allow the State to dictate what they may or may not put in their bodies? Who owns our bodies, we or the State? America's drug laws are only about a century old and of a racist impulse. Their origin is in the early anti-opium laws intended to harass Chinese immigrants. Prior to then, Americans were pretty much free to do with their bodies as they pleased. Drug addiction was no worse than today, and society was free of the violence and corruption caused by hysterical drug prohibition.

Tobacco and alcohol are a far greater health hazard, yet both are tolerated, if not celebrated. We needn't search far to find wildly popular substances that have created a national health calamity. Sugar, Aspartame, high fructose corn syrup, MSG and hydrogenated fats, all found in the most common processed "foods" are a leading cause of disease and death in America. Yet children are willfully exposed to these poisons and no one is serving jail time for doing so. Our meat is pumped full of dangerous hormones and antibiotics and our crops are raised using toxic, nutrient depleting, artificial fertilizers and pesticides. Our drinking water is now laced with prescription drugs peddled to a gullible public desperate for a quick fix to disease caused by their unhealthy eating habits. Yet our "public servants" are annually wasting tens of billions of taxpayers' money jailing people for what they smoke, snort and shoot into their veins. This is institutional hypocrisy and national madness on an epic scale.

Today we are appalled that our ancestors tortured and burned people at the stake for being "witches." Years from now enlightened people will shake their heads in disbelief that Americans gutted their precious Bill of Rights so that busybodies could punish millions of people for what they put in their bodies.

Rancid soup for the soul

2009-05-06T20:12:00.000-07:00

Today, at the grocery store, I unloaded my basket at the checkout, and placed it at the foot of the counter, as all shoppers do. The thin, beady-eyed young girl (for reference purposes, henceforth known as troll) behind the register started a conversation with me, and it went like this:

Troll: "Put it back".
Chris: "Excuse me?"
Troll: "Put it back. The basket. Put it back where you found it".
Chris: "Oh, you mean take this basket back to the door with all my groceries? No, it can stay right there".
Troll: "This job is hard enough without having to clean up after the messes people make".
Chris: "Isnt that part of your job? Stacking the baskets at the door when shoppers leave them at the checkout?"
Troll: "Umm, Ive been here since 1 and I'm really tired."
Chris: "I hate my job too, but I've never heard of other grocery stores asking shoppers to bring their baskets back to the door."
Troll: "Well, Im sure that in other grocery stores it pisses the workers off just as much, but they just dont say anything."
Chris: "Awwww, are you having a rough day? Do you hate your job? My day was no picnic either, and thanks to your crappy attitude, you've just made both our days a little bit worse."

*****Awkward silence*******

When I become der Fuhrer, the first load of people stuffed into the gas chambers will be the ones with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, followed closely by those with chip-laden shoulders.

By the pool

2009-04-19T21:57:00.000-07:00

Beauty all around, everywhere - in the trees that sway lightly, like ocean waves; in the rich colors of late afternoon as the retreating sun makes the east a shadowless perfection of evenly throbbing light; in the slightly dusty haze that comes with the approach of evening, dry and cool; in her hair as the wind travels through it as slowly as a boat in polar seas. And all the memories summoned by these beauties resonate and sing, until, in their ecstatic multiplication, they close themselves off to mortal view by virtue of the light that is too bright to see.
Endless summer, endless love. That's all I've ever wanted, to walk in such a place with you.

The holy gospel of the easter bunny

2009-04-14T22:46:00.001-07:00

The best picture ever taken.

2009-03-16T08:59:00.000-07:00

Yes, that is a Lion in a sidecar, racing around a wall of death.

Vain babbling

2009-03-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

This morning while I was on the freeway I was picking my nose, really digging in there for about 2 minutes. I looked over and the girl in the next car was laughing at me. She gave me a thumbs up, because I always look good, even when I’m picking my nose.
Next, when I walked into the office, I found a rather large moth clinging to the wall. I poked it and called it’s name (moth, moth), but it was unresponsive. I cradled it in my palm and stroked it’s furry back, crooning softly and willing it to wake up. It finally stirred, either due to the heat from my hand or my spiritual bond with animals and insects, I can’t be sure which. My lepidopteratic friend began to flap its wings in anticipation of joyous flight into the morning as I murmured encouragement. At last, it burst from my palm and began to fly drunkenly in slowly tightening circles. I then realized that my fingers had destroyed the tiny scales on its wings, dooming it to forever crawl the earth, gazing into the sky and cursing the misguided good Samaritan who crippled it. I asked myself what Bear Grylls would do, and I knew immediately. With a heavy heart I plucked the poor creature from the sky, and ate it for breakfast.

Your Attention Please

2009-03-01T22:02:00.001-08:00

The only thing able to pull me out of my non-posting slump was the birthday of dear Adrianne. I love you haney, for so long you've been my best friend, confidante, and shoulder. I love you dearly and hope for only the best things for you in the coming year.

Recent activities

2009-02-12T22:28:00.000-08:00

Some pens were scattered around on my desk. I picked them up one by one. I placed the pens in the drawer which I use to store pens.
I then stood up, at a central point in the room. The walls were all at approximately the same distance from me. I continued to stand there for a few moments.
My knee had a slight itch. I reached out my hand and scratched the knee in question. The itch was relieved and I was able to continue with my activities. There was an object occupying a space on my table. Using my hand I picked up the item from its place. Having considered my options for a moment I placed the object on a different area of the table. I was standing quite near to a wall. I turned my attention towards it for a few moments. Having done this for several seconds I turned away from it and carried on doing something else.

Kathy's Song

2009-02-06T19:36:00.001-08:00

Eva Cassidy did a great version of this song. That's her playing guitar, too.

I hear the drizzle of the rain
Like a memory it falls
Soft and warm, continuing
tapping on my roof and walls

From the shelter of my mind
through the window of my eyes
I gaze beyond the rain drenched streets
To you, where my heart lies

My mind's distracted and diffused
my thoughts are many miles away
they lie with you when youre asleep
and kiss you when you start your day

So you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held was true
I stand alone without belief
the only truth I know is you

And as I watch the drops of rain
weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
there, but for the grace of you, go I

California dreaming

2009-01-20T12:28:00.000-08:00

I feel them trying to stifle me, the hands of corporate America on my shoulders. Maybe Im crazy, perhaps my feelings are as old as time. I can imagine cro-magnon man reluctantly waking up with the dawn, cursing the great lizard that swallows the sun at night and then poops it out again the next morning. Im sitting here staring at 361 unread emails, and contemplating pouring my coffee into the top of the monitor.
I think about the wind ripping joyfully over the top of the mountain, as the ones I love and me sit with legs dangling, my heart bursting with the beauty that surrounds me. I want to drink the cool air and feel alive again.
In plain english, Im back from the best vacation of my life and feeling a tad sorry for myself.
As painful as it may be to come back to the real world, I know that life isnt meant to be a permanent vacation. Without 361 emails and screaming malcontents at work, how could I ever appreciate the sublime beauty of those mountain getaways.

Join the Safety Team!!

2008-12-17T08:21:00.000-08:00

This made me laugh, check this out…from the retards on our “safety team” at work. I’m certain they made that title up. I can finally put my mind at ease, knowing that there's a committee sitting around thinking of ways to make people safer in our hazardous, climate-controlled office environment. Our company's "Safety Committee" is about as useful as a "Rwandan Obesity Clinic", a "Chinese Democratic Party", or a Planned Parenthood office in Salt Lake City .

“It’s the safety committee! Saving office drones from carpal tunnel syndrome! Now hosting coffee-pouring classes!”

This email was a real gem, thank you safety team! I would never have guessed that I should walk carefully when the ground is covered in water. Why, I wouldnt even have noticed that it was pissing rain this morning if you hadn't told me! What really cracks me up is that this email would only be read AFTER someone had walked through the lobby and elevator coming in to work. What if I had broken my neck in the lobby because I hadn’t yet received this vital information!?!?!

End of Rant

Its all true, I swear...

2008-11-17T14:01:00.000-08:00

After 15 minutes of ineffectual pounding of my skull against the computer monitor, I saw a brilliant flash of white and realized that I had somehow transcended space-time and entered an alternate dimension. Although a large v-shaped object obscured some of my vision, I was able to see a landscape transformed, teeming with vibrant colors and striking patterns I hadnt previously noticed. It appeared that all objects in my tangible reality had been multiplied by 2! I now had 4 hands, there were now 2 cups of coffee, and 2 computer monitors on my desk. I fumbled awkwardly with my now two wallets, and discovered that the money within had doubled! Oh joyous day! The possibilities exploded in my consciousness as I realized I now had 2 girlfriends, drove 2 cars, and had 2 domiciles to lay my 2 heads. The excitement began to mount as I went to the bathroom to wash the tears of joy and wonder from my eyes.
It was there in front of the mirror that I realized I was cross-eyed, and I wept.

And now, for something new and interesting...

2008-11-17T09:26:00.000-08:00

I woke up, and realized that my nose was filled with boogers. I pulled back the covers, put my feet on the floor, and walked over to my desk. I picked up the tissue paper, put the kleenex to my nose, and blew hard. I looked at the yield and admired the multicolored, gentle brown and yellow hues of my nostril export.

Natural Selection?

2008-10-14T08:03:00.000-07:00

Back in the good old days, the weak, slow and stupid would be eaten by lions, leaving the quick and the smart to live on and breed quick and smart babies. But these days, any moron can wheel themselves around a Wal-mart on an electric scooter, buying Hot Pockets with food stamps while talking on their prepaid cellphones, then going home to have 15 other fat, stupid babies. This isn't evolution, It's de-evolution. And we have technology to thank for it.A baby born today will usually live a long and healthy life, which in turn works against the evolutionary tool of natural selection.Basically, living in this technologically-advanced era reduces the influence of mutation, random change and natural selection, the three major forces of evolution. 300 years ago, there were few diabetics. Why? Because everyone who had abnormally high or low levels of glucose would keel over and die of renal failure at the tender age of 25. Nowadays, slap an insulin pump on them and they're good to go for another 50 years. That means it's no longer survival of the fittest, instead just survival of everyone. Which means we won't be seeing as many changes in the species as we've seen in the last few millennia. Indeed, we may have hit a plateau, where everyone gets to add their seeds to the gene pool no matter how slow, sickly, or stupid they may be.
It's a brave new world.

Ultimate Farting Preacher

2008-10-08T18:27:00.001-07:00

You must watch this all the way through.

Stargazing

2008-10-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

I'm free, and her head is resting on my chest. The alcohol is burning comfortably in me as we lay in the sleeping bag and the stars wheel overhead. We breathe the cool air that falls like a river from the mountains, and she kisses me. I smile in admiration of the stars burning in the sky, and because though it's only been a short while, connections are forming with a sweet rapidity. Time is both compressed and extended, the air flowing by laden with messages that I dont understand. As they break in their millions like whitecaps on the sea, they shatter the peace of the night and restore it in a rhythm that ebbs and flows and sends me to a beautiful place.

Silence is golden

2008-10-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

Well, its been awhile. Ive had ideas for several fantastic (if I do say so myself) blog postings, but I restrained myself...there are young and innocent minds I dont wish to pollute. Furthermore, my views are rather un-religious and probably downright blasphemous. Not wishing to alienate or offend any of my dear family, lacking any 'safe' blogging material, and refusing to post inane tidbits about my mind-numbingly boring day-to-day activities, I remain silent.

Courtesy of TheOnion.com

2008-08-15T08:55:00.001-07:00

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After decades of coddling young children, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new "Nothing But Tears" shampoo this week, an aggressive bath-time product the company says will help to prepare meek and fragile newborns for the real world.
A radical departure for the health goods manufacturer, the new shampoo features an all-alcohol-based formula, has never once been approved by leading dermatologists, and is as gentle on a baby's skin as "having to grow up and fend for your goddamn self."
"We at Johnson & Johnson have been making bath time a safe and soothing experience for far too long," company CEO William C. Weldon said. "Years of pampering have left our newborns helpless, feeble, and ill-equipped for the arduous road ahead."
"It's time our children got the wake-up call that's been coming to them," Weldon continued. "It's time they cried their precious little eyes out."
The result of five years of intensive research and market testing, the company's "Nothing But Tears" shampoo contains only the most abrasive of natural ingredients and is nearly impossible to rinse from a baby's screaming face. According to directions printed on the label, the bath-time product is best used with scalding hot water for optimal toughening-up of newborns.
Available in an easy-to-find-and-open bottle, the new shampoo is also guaranteed to give children a "healthy dose of reality."
"You'll notice a difference after just one use," said Michelle Baker, head of new product development. "Whether it's your newborn's more hardened appearance, the way he now approaches people with guarded skepticism, or just that look on his face that says, 'Oh wait, maybe life isn't all hugs and kisses and rainbows. Maybe I need to get my fucking act together.'"
Added Baker, "Johnson & Johnson will kick your baby's ass into gear."
A publicity campaign for the tear-inducing shampoo has already begun, with Johnson & Johnson debuting a series of television ads to push the baby-care product. In one of the minute-long spots, scheduled to air later this week, a mother cradles her crying newborn in her arms. As time passes, the weeping infant grows increasingly older, until the now elderly woman struggles to hold up her 48-year-old, 230-pound son. A voiceover announcer asks viewers, "Worried your child will never toughen up? At Johnson & Johnson, we can help."
After rigorous product testing at the company's research headquarters in New Jersey, the new "Nothing But Tears" shampoo was found to give newborns up to three times greater resilience than the leading competitor, as well as a stronger grasp on the crushing disappointment that is life. In addition, when combined with Johnson & Johnson's new line of bleach-based conditioners, the shampoo resulted in noticeably thicker skin after only six uses.
In recent years, a growing number of parents have begun looking for ways to raise more adequately jaded toddlers, and Johnson & Johnson is not the first company to respond to the rising demand. In 2003, Fisher-Price unveiled a new adventure play set containing 85 easy-to-choke-on pieces, and in 2006, the Walt Disney Company introduced an interactive DVD entitled Baby's First Brush With A Cruel And Unforgiving World.
Whether or not Johnson & Johnson's new move will ultimately pay off remains to be seen. However, reaction to the tantrum-provoking shampoo has thus far been positive.
"My 13-month-old used to be a total pushover," said new mother Catherine Smith. "But ever since I started washing her hair with 'Nothing But Tears' shampoo, not only does my little Debra kick and scream and wail, but yesterday she said her first words: 'No, Mommy, don't.'"
Despite testimonials from satisfied customers, some concerned parents have come out against the new shampoo.
"To knowingly upset your baby like that is downright cruel," said Hershey, PA homemaker Barbara Sterling. "My child is going to lose his blissful sense of innocence the old-fashioned way—by coming home from school one day only to learn that his parents are getting a divorce."

Awakening

2008-08-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

I’m starting to understand. I feel the door to revelation cracking, and I bathe in the light coming through. I get glimpses every so often, like little lightning storms in my head. Moments of clarity.
We are slaves. Infected by mind-viruses from an early age, many of us have no idea why we believe the things we do. In religion and politics, most have gotten their convictions at second-hand, without examination, from other non-examiners, who in turn took them from idiots whose opinions weren’t worth a confederate dollar.
We will blindly follow our pre-constructed beliefs because we are afraid. Show a man hell, and he’ll be frightened towards heaven. Then, when his fear subsides, not only will he be ashamed of his weakness, he’ll come back more malignantly wicked than before.
We must abandon our illusions and destroy these structures that imprison our minds.
I will shed my fear, these notions that society tries to cram down my throat. It’s high time for a self-administered, existential Heimlich maneuver. I’m struggling to the top of this summit, and the air up here is very sweet.

Open Wide

2008-08-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

This is a gem I found on one of the menus from a popular take-out joint near my work...
For when regular vacations just dont cut it!

Gone, not forgotten

2008-08-04T17:46:00.000-07:00

These thoughts invade my mind. They take me back to times that are by turns too painful and beautiful to remember. I’ve never wanted to be one of those, who, like absinthe drinkers, are lost in dreams. Still, I go back.
You cannot remain in the past, and you can’t bring back the dead. I see them; they appear so alive and vital, I almost convince myself that if I believe enough, they’ll return. But it’s all in vain; for though your memory may come tantalizingly close, and though your heart breaks while you wither under the power of its lash, your past stays in your head, and your hands clutch at ghosts.
It’s as though the gods crack the door to eternity and allow you a glimpse, then slam it in your face, saying “leave it to us”...as if the whole thing were only a lesson.
But to see the beauty in this is to grasp the ropes of light that run uninterrupted between life and death. Touching them is an act of hope, for perhaps our loved ones on the other side, if there is another side, are touching them too.

The Guns

2008-08-04T11:40:00.000-07:00

The sound of artillery is visceral and blood-chilling. The concussion is felt mainly in the chest and throat, blurring vision and emptying the mind of all thought. Those who hear it are taken to a distant place; alien, cold, and unfamiliar.
Its blast appears to have escaped from a fissure in the ground, and the thunderous roar is unmistakable, different from the aerial tantrums we associate it with.
The cacophony of a rolling barrage breaks as smoothly as a wave, but sets the soul adrift in an ocean of darkness.

Hope

2008-08-03T20:48:00.000-07:00

I take in the grace of the surrounding seascape like a blind man whose vision is suddenly restored, not in a drab clinic, but on a high and windy promontory overlooking half the world. Though the only noise is the thunder of the sea, I take music from my memory and fuse it with the sound of wind and waves. The fullness of the clouds and the sparkling of the sun on shattered liquid brings tranquility and profound bliss.
Though I feel the end approaching - the end of the familiar, the rearrangement of the elements of beauty... I believe that as the night presses it's ever-expanding claim, the things in which I put my faith will come most alive, and fight their undoing by rising up to their full and majestic height.
After suffering must come redemption. Of this I have no doubt.

The Tandem Story

2008-08-01T10:18:00.000-07:00

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix. The professor told his class one day:

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary. THE STORY:

(First paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(Second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. " A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her."Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--ING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca) Asshole.

(Gary) Bitch

(Rebecca) F__CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary) Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER) A+ ! I really liked this one.

Lucid

2008-07-31T09:04:00.000-07:00

Don’t do things by halves. If you love a woman, you love her entirely. You give everything. You don’t spend your time in bars, you don’t make love to other women; you don’t take her for granted. All creatures are given gifts, no matter their station or condition. It may be innocence for a lunatic, or heaven for a thief. But one thing is not given, it must be earned; something that a lazy man can never know. Understanding, grace, elevation of the spirit – call it what you will, it comes only of work, sacrifice, and suffering.
Don’t hesitate if you see a chance to feel something beautiful; rush in headlong and abandon caution. We are wretched fools, and our lives are small blemishes on the vastness of eternity. You have the chance to stay awake all night with that beautiful soul; take it. Grasp this life in your two hands and wring out every drop of timeless radiance.
The gods should envy us our mortality, everything becomes lovelier because we’re doomed. She may never be more beautiful than she is at this moment. You will never be here again.

Pent

2008-07-29T18:42:00.000-07:00

Perhaps real beauty can be understood in that it is not just a combination, but a dissolution; that after the threads are woven and tangled, they then untangle, and continue on their separate ways. Music is a chain forged half of silence and half of sound; love is nothing without longing and loss. If life were not to have death at it's end, and death not to have been preceeded by life, neither would be of any consequence.

In these metaphysics alone I find happiness. I see her green sweater and the neckline that it holds together, in proportions that are almost perfect. I see the light in her face, staring into the breeze that carries cool air up from the ocean. Her hair glows and eyes flash like blue fire.

I cannot tame her, but perhaps I can run with her.

HUMANS!

2008-07-29T15:44:00.000-07:00

Is your planet full of lush greenery, with clean water and a self-sustaining ecosystem? Does everything function symbiotically, in an awe-inspiring balance of wondrous proportion?
Then you need HUMANS! In just a short few thousand years, humans can completely and utterly F**K UP YOUR PLANET!
Simply integrate them into your amazing world and watch as they mindlessly gobble up resources, clear-cut rainforests, manufacture usless shit at an alarming rate, spew noxious and/or toxic chemicals into the water and air, deplete your ozone layer, enslave and murder their own kind, and divide the planet into imaginary sections so that they can worship shiny rocks and colorful pieces of paper.

SO! If you're tired of your boring planet, full of peace, tranquility, animals, plants, natural resources, and clean water, dont hesistate to order HUMANS today! Thanks to an excess, Planet Earth has literally BILLIONS of these creatures to spare! COME ON, UNIVERSE! Isnt it time you enjoyed the benefits that only HUMANS can offer?

***WARNING***Humans are not for everyone. Side effects may include climate change, war, rape, drugs, disease, poverty, politicians, the apocalypse, reality TV, torture, prostitution, recreational joggers, Rosie O' Donnell, K-fed, and religious zealotry.

Floating

2008-07-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

Honey, I'm home. I'm thrilled at how clear and blue she is today. The sheeple splash around in the shallows, screaming and flirting. Writhing masses of humanity, I cant escape them. Yes, I can. Swim out, away from the things of man. The shoreline shrinks, and I'm filled with joy. Stretch these moments, bend space-time around them, loop them back on each other and fashion an eternal snapshot of bliss.
I know someday I'll find you. I'll kiss your lips and carry you out into the palace of winds; a land without borders, a kingdom of conscience.

That's all I've ever wanted, to walk in such a place with you.

Strange Truths

2008-07-25T09:16:00.000-07:00

Mainstream psychology is starting to accept the idea that women are attracted to "Bad Boys". It will probably be another ten years before anyone with a degree puts two and two together and says "Hey, maybe women feel attraction for Bad Boys for natural, evolutionary reasons, and that's why Bad Boys are considered "sexy".. ."

Hell, maybe I should say it... Oh, I already did. Whatever.

Point is, there's something to the idea that woman don't feel that powerful gut level attraction for "nice" guys who chase after them and kiss up to them.Women do, on the other hand, feel that magical emotion called attraction for bad boys.Of course, I don't believe that you MUST be a jerk, or abuse women in order to make them feel attracted to you.

There's a much better way...
Below are 2 scenarios to try when chatting with an attractive woman; try them and notice the difference.

1) Smile all the time.
2) Be very nice, cordial, and friendly. Use no sarcasm, and don't tease.
3) Act as if you really "like" the woman you're talking to... and as if you're "interested" in her.
4) Give her lots of compliments.
5) Optional: Politely say "You probably have a boyfriend, right? Can I take you out sometime?"

Now, try something different with the next woman you talk to...

1) Don't smile very often.
2) Pretend that you've known her for 20 years, and that you're TOO comfortable around her. Tease her for something that no one teases her about... like the way she dresses, etc.
3) Pretend that she's interested in YOU, and has been pursuing YOU, and that you're resisting her. Make jokes about it and say things like "I just don't think things are going to work out between us".
4) Pay her no compliments of any kind. If she gives you any, say "That's a cheesy pick up line.
Can't you think of something more original?"
5) Optional: Say "Hey, do you have a phone number? Good. Write it down here..." ...and watch her obey.
You should notice a huge difference between the first woman you talked to, and this one. When you're being a nice wuss, you'll see the look on her face that says "Oh, no. Another guy who "likes" me. How can I get rid of him politely?"During the second conversation, you'll see her opening her mouth with the "half smile, half oh-no-you-didn't-just-say-that look". You'll feel a tension in the air. You'll notice she'll look at you as if she can't believe what she's hearing.If you're particularly sharp and funny, you might just hear her say "I like you... we have to hang
out sometime" within the first few minutes of the conversation. You will never hear that when you're playing the "Nice Wuss".

Brillig

2008-07-25T08:27:00.000-07:00

I was hanging some shelves when the cyber-rhinoceros burst through the wall, tusks exploding with brilliant fire. "Cookies!" It screamed.
And I woke up.

Tempest

2008-07-23T20:24:00.000-07:00

Saltwater chokes me. I've swallowed pints of the stuff, and I'm done. I'm sweating...my own measly contribution to the briny soup I struggle in. Growing weaker with each stroke, I try to power past the roaring surf, the foam that laughs at me. I see dolphins effortlessly cutting accross the breakline. I sense their joy, feel their intelligence and wish that I could fly among them. Stroke. The surf assaults me, slapping my board away, flinging me like a ragdoll. Snap goes my leash. Shit. Gaze up at the rising wave-crest, a gaping maw ready to devour me. The sea doesn't want me. Some days it welcomes me like a lover..gently.. and on others it rages and punishes. Rattled, lungs bursting, I explode to the surface and am buried again. I realize that I love breathing and miss it terribly.

Is this when I die? ..I wonder if passing through the gates of death is like crossing quietly over a pasture fence. On the other side, you simply keep walking, without the need to look back. No shock, no lights, no sounds of thunder or great voices, just the simple lifting of a plank in the fence and the peaceful walk into fields of gold.

But not yet. Not yet!

Float. Float on your back, stop struggling. The sea relents, allows me to backstroke in to shore..I gasp on the sand for what seems like hours. My board and my fear are the only things I've lost.

Ocean-1, Chris-0

Escape

2008-07-23T10:01:00.001-07:00

If you want to see a mermaid, this is what you do: Dive down to where the water is no longer blue, where the sky is only a memory, and float there, in the silence. Stay there, and decide that you'll die for them. Only then will they come out, greet you, and judge the love you have for them. If it's sincere, if it's pure, they'll be with you, and take you away forever.

I escape.

All my cares shatter as my body breaks the water. I dive till I feel the pressure grip me. Hearing nothing but the slow thrum of my pulse, I spread my arms and hang there in the stillness. Enveloped by the sea. Caressing me like the arms of a lover, begging me to sink deeper into it's velvety blackness. This is a different world. Up, I see spears of sunlight boring into the void, reminding me where I come from, where I must return. No! I need this. Need to stay here. I see them, hear their voices.

I am dying.

Agony rips me back to reality. Heartbeat thundering like Vulcan's forge, I tear my eyes from this unholy beauty and scale the vertical water-path back to my world.
I float on the timeless sea, and the sun warms my cheeks. Smiling a bitter smile, I know that one day I will be back to stay.

Alive

2008-07-22T21:27:00.000-07:00

I whisper.
Her perfect lips shine like the sea in moonlight. She smiles and I lean in closer...Grey Goose. Is this happening because of the alcohol? I wonder where I would be without this mythical social lubricant. I wonder where she got those perfect teeth...I wonder how my breath smells. Back to business.
Bam! I taste her lips. Time stops. There is nothing, and everything. I kiss her while the stars wheel overhead and there is nothing but the wind, and bliss. I feel the lightning trying to sweep me down, but I fight it. I immerse myself in this cross-fire of beautiful images and I beat this feeling, like molten steel, into beams of light. Radiance.
I focus my eyes and throw the current across the gap. Her eyes widen and we look at each other, breathing.
For an instant, the delicate tangles of her hair fill the emptiness of my hands. And then she is gone.

It

2008-07-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

To be truly happy, give everything you have...you must work to exhaustion, live to exhaustion, and love to exhaustion.
If I want to go to Paris, I go to Paris. I dont hang around like an ass with a half-dozen bags who's gone to take in the sights at Disneyland. People like that continually expose their souls to mortal danger by imagining they are free of it..when indeed, the only danger to the spirit is to live too long without it.
The world is made of fire.

"........Yes,.Satan?"

2005-04-22T22:15:00.000-07:00

Hello. I will try to update this blog with useless ramblings from my boring and ultimately meaningless life, for your entertainment and edification.