Shall I start a cooking blog? Yes.
Today, let’s talk about healthy eating. Many people confuse “Healthy” with “yummy”, “easy to chew”, “not poisonous”, and “non-radioactive”. The common misconception that eating healthy should be enjoyable must be crushed; there’s nothing like a good dose of suffering to kick your body’s immune system into high gear. When I want to run a steam engine at 88mph, I don’t gaily feed it twigs and morning dew, I ram sticks of dynamite into the boiler and put on my sunglasses to shield me from exposure to too much awesome. So too does your body function. If you want to be dangerous, eat dangerous! I present to you the menu of the gods, aka Muscle Tribe of Danger and Excellence.
Start your morning with a Box Jellyfish and woodscrew smoothie. Fry up a couple King Cobra venom glands and throw that into an omelet along with a handful of gravel and aluminum dust. As a garnish, crush up a few Marbled Cone Snails and mix that in with some paint thinner and broken glass.
For brunch, get out a dozen Blue-Ringed Octopi, some crackers, and asbestos-and-gastric acid paté and make finger sandwiches.
For lunch, get your hands on a loaf of very fresh French bread and about six Death Stalker Scorpion poison glands, some provolone cheese, fresh garden lettuce, and a pint of industrial adhesive, and make yourself a sandwich. On the side, slice up a couple Stonefish and fry them in battery acid to make some delicious chips. If you’re still hungry, procure some 12M NaOH fondue and spice it up with diced Brazilian Wandering Spider, and perhaps chunks of coral if you’re feeling frisky.
For dinner, start out with a buttered Inland Taipan Snake - of course with garlic butter, and a small dish of black tar heroin for a spicy sauce. For a main course, nothing beats Poison Dart Frog shish kebabs, which are nicely complemented by hunks of uranium and sharpened obsidian. For dessert, we’re always a fan of a breaded Puffer Fish, served with a dipping sauce consisting of Naga Jolokia pepper and thorns from various vegetation. But not lima beans. We f*****g hate lima beans.
Obviously, this diet program is not for the weak. Happy eating!
4 comments:
If *you* wanna live dangerously then may a suggest some spicy shrimp for starters?
Stephanie~
Son... you've gone over the edge. Congratulations... it has taken me 56 years to get there. ENJOY the ride, and the joy of cooking.
I wondered what you had been eating recently. This explains a lot.
I also wonder what an investigator of your computer would turn up. Hope you never get implicated in a case of murder by rare poisoning..."Oh yes, your honor, the deceased was given a large dose of breaded Puffer Fish"...all they're going to have to do is take a look at your past google searches of all these poisonous things and you'll be a goner.
Quite amusing.
All I can say is...
GROSS
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